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It’s not logical

October 14, 2010

Sometimes I feel like a fish out of water. Or a duck. This motherhood thing is categorically the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. And that’s coming from me- the problem solving project manager. It’s so different when the project is raising a Small Person rather than creating some marketing frimfram or another.

I swear less. I’m more chilled out than I ever was. Except when I get a pang of guilt or fear that I’m ‘not doing things right’ or that my son will grow up with issues because of something that happened in his early childhood. I guess the main issue is that there are no definitive answers to my questions. I can’t draw an interaction diagram or a schematic that shows the logical outcomes of my actions because nothing’s definite when you’re dealing with people. And small ones at that. So occasionally I crave the predictability of my little work bubble where if I have a question, a super-geek comes to my rescue and usually there’s only one outcome to be got, with a very clear route to get there (not necessarily an easy route, but clarity is essential)

I tell myself I’m going through my day doing ‘attachment parenting’ and ‘baby-led’-this, that and the other but am I? Or am I just lazy and flying by the seat of my pants because I don’t want to implement a militant routine? Or is this fear of having to see something awkward through?

Argh, I hate self doubt….

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