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May 21, 2009

I read a very interesting book recently. Ok, so the website in the link isn’t the best- looks a bit like it’s trying to sell you some magical American weight loss solution. Actually, it is. The magical solution is ACCEPT YOURSELF THE WAY YOU ARE and that’s certainly not just ‘American’- it’s a universal truth.

This reinforces what I said in a previous post.

I don’t want to be fat – I want to look like Angelina. The question is, why do I want to look like Angelina? Obviously because the way that society has conditioned me and everyone else means that I equate her thinness with beauty. And there, my friend, is the rub. What about Rubens’ paintings? Was he taking the piss when he painted the untoned Adam and curvy Eve? And no self-respecting artist these days would create his Venus with a belly and child-bearing hips a la ‘Venus and Adonis’! Flat stomachs, snake hips and toned thighs all the way! Oh, and don’t forget the unrealistically pert tits!

The point is that something happened between chubby meaning fertile, rich and attractive and now, where ‘overweight’ (whoever decided what ‘overweight’ is in the first place?) is considered lazy, unhealthy and undisciplined. What that something is, I don’t know and I’m not in the mood to theorise but I do know that it needs to change.

I’ve spent 28 years being ashamed of my body. So many times, I’ve not done something I wanted to do because of my shame. I’ve been ridiculed and made to feel like a failure by myself and others and in many ways, I’ve become bitter because I’ve spent so much time grieving for the shape I’ll never have. It’s not like I haven’t tried: The cabbage soup diet, Weightwatchers, Slimming World, Atkins, starvation, fasting, detoxing; I’ve done it all but the results were temporary and my misery was compounded each time I gained weight (more than I lost, sometimes more quickly than the time it took to lose it).

So that’s it, it ends today. Saying that fills me with fear- my identity as a ‘fat person trying to lose weight’ has been with me for such a long time that I’m afraid that if I let it go there’ll be nothing more to me. I hope that’s not the case.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Manda permalink
    May 25, 2009 15:42

    ‘my identity as a ‘fat person trying to lose weight’ has been with me for such a long time that I’m afraid that if I let it go there’ll be nothing more to me. I hope that’s not the case.’

    This is definately not the case. I don’t know anyone who identifies you in this way and if it’s the way you identify yourself it’s about time you start identifying with the gorgeous, fun woman everyone else identifies you as.
    Being largely overweight is bad for your health – in days gone by this has been irrelevant because people didn’t live that long anyway and generally died of something else much earlier. Conversely however so is being underweight. But it’s not really weight that’s the problem. You can be heavy without ruining your health, the important bits are cutting out food but eating the best you can 😀 Wide hips rule – makes having sprogs much easier even if it does make it a pain to find nice dresses to fit :p

    So I for one am glad that you’ve come to this acceptance that you are gorgeous and wonderful just the way you are 🙂

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